May 12, 2010


I'm done this fast. I can't take it anymore.

The first five days were strangely peaceful. I was wondering when it was all going to break loose. It was just a matter of time. Well, it did. The next day: day 6 of 8. It's been rough since then. No need to get into details, I don't know who's reading this and who's not. Now I'm just hungry, cranky, and impatient. Totally counter-productive. And woman hormones do not help, let me tell you.

The big shocker is that fasting apparently has changed for me. Because my circumstances have changed. No more 2 hours on my knees as the kids nap. No more reading the Bible on the couch for hours as the kids play and entertain themselves. No more spare time, period. There's just too much to do around here anymore! I have to get up at 5am if I want to read my Bible as it is. Now I can see why. Back when A & M were babies I could feed them breakfast and read entire chapters of the Bible at the same time. Ha.

Then came baby #3. She's broken just about every mold known to man.

When you fast the idea is that you are reading the Bible, praying, or doing something spiritual, when normally you'd be thinking about food, shopping for food, preparing food, eating food, or cleaning up after food. This has been one of the most "unproductive" fasts of my entire Christian life. At least that's how it felt. I almost wondering why I bothered. I believe God still heard me, after all we can approach the throne of grace with confidence, but it's extremely frustrating when I want to be praying or reading the Bible or just generally quiet before the Lord, and Peace Baby is bent on proving her name was a total and complete mistake. In the half hour it took me to feed her breakfast yesterday I think she whined, screamed, cried, and was demanding, loud, and discontent about three hundred times. Never heard a PEEP out of the other two at this age. I read an entire two verses (not chapters) in the Bible and I don't even remember what they were. Sigh.

One thing that the Lord always shows me when I fast is my sin. And He seems to use Peace Baby as of late as His tool of choice in this fire by trial. I'm done this fast because I just can't stand to look at myself anymore, I think I might slip into a deep depression! It's amazing how dull you can get to sin when you are immersed in stuffing your face, satisfying your flesh, and pursuing earthly things (like laundry and other boring worldly works). I am much too depressed over myself and my wretched state to do this another day!

I am truly a sinner saved by grace.

My only hope is JESUS.

I need to stop throwing stones, because the only difference between me and Charles Manson is GRACE. I am nothing apart from Him. Nothing good, anyway. And no, I don't have bad "self-esteem", I just have a realistic view of myself as I really am. No good thing dwelleth in my flesh, of that I am sure.

Thank you Jesus, for GRACE. Whatever would I do without you? Oh yes, that's right... I'd probably be drunk, strung out, messed up, who knows, definately a slave to my sin, without hope, without God... and probably trying to prove to everyone that I'm JUST FINE, thank you. Pride, an ugly thing.

Ah, but now I have been brought NEAR! I have been set FREE. Know the Truth and the truth shall set you free. Jesus said, I am the way, the TRUTH, and the life. No one comes to the Father but by me.

"For by grace you are saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God.
Not of works, lest any man should boast." ~Ephesians 2:8,9


Christy said...

I hear ya sister. :) I was just reading this in a book last night. We somehow thing that living a monastic lifestyle will bring us closer to God. That having hours of uninteruppted "quiet time" will make us more holy. However God did not create us to live alone but in relationship. It's in those relationships that rub us "the wrong way" that we grow. That we are drawn closer to God as we need him more. It's in learning to love as He loved that we learn the heart of God. Basically it's one thing to know, pray and read and another to live it out. It's in the daily loving and speaking words of love that we really learn to know the Father. When we get in step with his plan and his ways.
Quiet times are good, don't get me wrong but sometimes I think we can tend to idolize them especially when we can't get them.
Good thoughts here. The Lord definitely still taught you some lessons even though it didn't go as you planned. Interesting how He does that. :)

Denise said...

I love Christy's comment and can't really add to it except to say that I totally get what you're talking about. In fact, I was kind of envious when you said that you got through TWO verses! ;)

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